The first thing I did when I got back from the trip was to ask my friend Howie Peeble why the boundaries for Idaho look like they were laid out on a bar napkin at three in the morning. I knew Howie would know because he took first semester Introductory Geology four times before they finally convinced him to change his major. According to Howie Idaho used to be pretty much a rectangle (he called it a hexagon, but I knew what he meant) until a major upthrust took the flat part of eastern Idaho and made it into the mountainous part of western Montana. He didn’t think anyone was living there at the time.
Anyway, that would certainly explain what happened to the roads here. You people aren’t fooling anybody by sticking highways designations on cattle trails. In one thirty mile stretch I lost two hubcaps and a gold filling. I realize it can’t be easy to finance highway construction when your economy is based on the French fry, but you can do better than this. Even some of the good roads are dangerous. They’re poured in sections and cause that rhythmic thump, thump, thump that drives you crazy. Also, and this is mainly for you older drivers,it might be wise for you to pull off the road occasionally and check your pulse, since this can make it sound like your heart is working better than it actually is. Also a reason for caution: the most prevalent highway sign — with the possible exception of No Services — is Frost Heaves, which I’m pretty sure isn’t a commentary on the talk show. On a positive note, you don’t have to slow down on the curves since you can only rarely speed up on the straightaways.
Idaho is best known for potatoes, a situation not likely to change anytime soon. The whole southern part of the state is a vast potato farm. Howie, who also tried English as a major, said that the potatoes were why Hemingway (who changed his name from something Irish so he wouldn’t have to go to confession) committed suicide here –he couldn’t stop thinking about the Famine.
How important is the potato to Idaho’s economy? How many states have you been to where the restaurants all have potato bars for breakfast? Yes, they are trying to diversify their economy, but there’s only so much you can do with a state where the southern half is a treeless prairie and the northern half is only an eighth. So they’re pretty much stuck with trying to find ways to make potatoes taste good. (Note: In my own experiments I discovered that with enough cheese, butter, sour cream and bacon bits you can make even a newspaper taste good, although it will catch fire in the oven.) Anyway, because potatoes are so important they spend the winter in expensive, climate-controlled buildings that are easily some of the finest homes in the state. Except I’m guessing they don’t have much in the way of toilet facilities.
The only listed attraction in the south is the Craters of the Moon National Monument. However, to go there you have to go through Atomic City and across something called the snake river basin, which seemed like two very good reasons not to. Besides which I’m afraid of heights, anyway. The other thing that southern Idaho has in abundance is the mosquito, which is surprising, since they’re not known to be particularly fond of potatoes. Whatever they’re doing here, they’re formidable, both cocky and fearless. I was told that some of the larger ones suck so much blood that they’re considered a delicacy when served with a chaser of two fingers of vodka and a shot of Tabasco sauce. This would seem to be true, since delicacies invariably give me either a hangover or the trots and this gave me both. One particularly helpful native advised me that the only effective repellent for the pests was a ceramic frog strapped to the top of the head. With his assistance, I tried two of the models and found that, while the smaller tree frog model was more comfortable to wear, the giant croaker variety was definitely more effective. I would suggest, however, trying to find one without the planter opening in the top, as that feature seemed to encourage smokers to use the wearer as an ashtray.
The middle part of Idaho is a vast wilderness. A park ranger told me that it’s designated as a primitive area, which means that it’s supposed to have limited access to it so that it can be kept as natural as possible. Maybe, but my guess is that the head highway engineer took one look at the place and left for a lower paying job in Kansas. All that isolation is apparently good for something, though, since the area smells noticeably better than most states and even some air fresheners. As near as I could tell, it’s something between Orchard Blossom and Pine Mist. Anyway, it’s a pleasant surprise, given that every house I passed had one or more species grazing in the front yard.
All to say, even though Idaho has many beautiful parks and camping areas, all except the ones in your KOA guide should be considered inaccessible unless your vehicle is still under warranty. There are probably lots of interesting rock formations and things, too, but they’re all covered with trees so you can’t tell. The rugged terrain is the primary reason for Idaho’s colorful history, which is condensed here because I lost most of my notes. It was first claimed by Spain. The original, and only Spanish colony, was tragically wiped out when they learned, too late, that the movements to the flamenco were virtually identical to the mating dance of the grizzly. Russia then held the territory until the Czar discovered it was just as effective to send dissidents to Siberia, and he wasn’t out passage for the boat. The U.S. and Great Britain then held the region under joint treaty until 1846, when the only Englishman thought to still have the directions lost them. The state was then purchased by Robert Redford and turned into a film set.
Campfire notes for this evening were suspended in progress due to claims by the motel management that I was melting their parking lot.
Rating ***
CAMPFIRE NOTES #4
USED RV’S
The high price of new RV’s has seemingly denied many people the comfort and reassurance that comes only from being able to travel with your own toilet. Fortunately, there are alternatives. Many excellent previously-owned RV’s — some of considerable vintage — are available from both individuals and reputable dealers. The key, obviously, is to be able to distinguish a roadworthy vehicle from one that left important internal organs lying alongside the Alaska Highway. Any of the following circumstances, all of which this reporter either documented or heard talked about, should alert the shopper to potential problems.
1) You are asked to sign a waiver form acknowledging that some assembly is required.
2) Maintenance records indicate that it was last serviced by a Packard dealer.
3) The sanitary tank cap reads “Unleaded Fuel Only.”
4) The letters on the shift column have been altered to suggest that three of the five gears are park.
5) The oil dipstick is fused to the engine block.
6) You find Christmas cards from several body shops in the glove box.
7) The carpet and shower stall are the same color green.
8) You can’t read the mileage on the odometer because the numbers are faded.
9) The dealer checks his watch instead of a calendar while filling out the warranty card.
10) The manufacturer’s logo is misspelled.
11) The largest drawer in the kitchen is marked Fuses.
12) You test the commode and the water is blue. RV’s have only one water storage tank. If you detect Tidy Bowl when you flush, you’ll also detect it in your coffee.
13) You see any evidence that mice have occupied the vehicle. Be particularly alert for permanent structures or old receipts from research labs.
14) You discover six or more unopened notices from the manufacturer marked “Urgent, Open Immediately!”
15) You detect signs of “unusual” maintenance. Not every mechanic who works on RV’s is both properly trained and reliably thorough. Clues that amateurs have been at work are sometimes obvious, such as finding brake fluid in the windshield washer reservoir, but sometimes not. One sure sign that an amateur has been at work: the wheel lug nuts can be removed without a hammer and chisel.
16) If the “racing stripe” comes off with soap and water. It was probably a high water mark.
17) The name on the vehicle seems particularly odd. While owners do frequently have pet names for their RV’s, “Yankee Pig” would probably not be one of them, especially if it’s done in spray paint instead of decals.
Real Travel Adventures 